Win a Date with Tad Hamilton!

SO this weekend I've been reallly cleaning out my closet. I threw a successful street sale on Saturday and managed to raise 250 dollars for Charity! Which, since it was just a garage sale, I feel that's a pretty good profit to make. While I was selling and connecting with my neighbours, I realized that I had forgotten how much I had loved a family on my street. Mainly because of a small issue and a little bit of embarrassment, I had kind of put them on the back burner and had spent almost 2 years now avoiding them.

Talking to them brought back a lot of feelings I had tried to ignore and convince myself weren't there. I had made a lot of mistakes a couple of years ago out of hurt and sadness. Sometimes when your so unbearably hurt, you don't think about what your doing and just act on instinct. Your blinded because dealing with the pain is just too much at the time. Sometimes you blame others. sometimes you find yourself acting in ways and saying things you would of never pictured yourself doing or saying and you just can't help it. Because pain has taken control.

The funny thing is, at this time, 2 years ago, I was dealing with the same thing I still am now.
It's amazing how much you don't learn in 2 years lol. I'm still dealing with myself. Still dealing with trust issues, still dealing with just not loving myself and respecting myself like I should.

It's amazing how many times a day I find myself giving in to people or doing things with people that I don't want to do out of fear, and being scared of their reaction. Earlier last year I felt free from people who put me under a lot of self pressure and I thought, "NOW things will be different!". But of course now I find myself back in the same place with new people who I can give into... out of fear.

Why do I do this? What is so wrong with saying no? If I don't want to go to a club, why do I convince myself that I don't want to miss something, and that is the reason I go? Why do I hang out with a guy if I'm just not feeling it? Why do I let a guy convince me that I want something, when I just don't? WHY do I dress up for a guy, and try to look my best all the time? Why does it feel like they never do the same? haha I'll tell you why because they don't care like I do. People don't try hard like I do because they shouldn't. And I shouldn't.

Shouldn't someone who actually loves me, love me for my details? No wonder things don't work out after a while because I eventually start being who I really am and things change. I always use to say that the guys always change, but they don't lol it's me. I start to grow sick and tired of the lack of effort, and I get really resentful. Then the trust just fades because I start questioning everything because if theres no effort like what I'm giving, then they must not like me the same. LOl it's amazing the things you convince yourself of without really analyzing the situation.
The biggest mistake I make is that because I don't ever do what I want to do or listen to how I'm feeling, I hold all my anger in and eventually, mainly around that time of the month Lol, I loose it. I can't hold in the anger anymore and I blow up.
I can't believe I never understood why this vicious cycle kept happening, until now.
I watched the movie, "Win a date with Tad Hamilton" today and the movie is the reason I've made this huge discovery of myself aha.
Kate Bosworth's character in the movie said, "You love someone for their details". Another character in the movie said, "Is it Love, is it Big love or is it Great love? See Love takes months to get over. Big Love takes about 2 years, and Great love well, you just never get over it"
I've spent so much time wondering about my past loves, comparing them to new people over time, and just wondering if I hadn't done this... then what would of happened. Wondering if some day we would reconnect and if we really are something special.
I actually became good friends with my past Big love this year and it's been really nice having him around helping me through a lot of my present problems. It's nice knowing now that that was just big love.
Big love that always fought because of lack of trust. Big love that blamed each other for all the hurt. Big love that was obsessive at times and just couldn't spare a minute without each other. But not because we didn't want to, but because we were scared of what the other might do, or of them moving on.
Now I understand that great love, just won't be the same. Great love will come to those that are completely honest with themselves and just learn to trust. Someone who will just learn to not care if someone else cares or not. To learn that in the moment there's no point worrying about what might happen. Because theres no way of knowing.
Why focus so much energy on what someone's thinking, when they might not even be around in a month?

I watched this short video (link below) on trying something new for 30 days and it got me thinking. For the next 30 days, every time I start to loose focus and worry about what someone else's thinking, I'm gonna say, "My life is more important then your life." Then I'm going to read this blog, after I print it aha, and then I will sing a song. "This little light of mine" in fact Lol.
I'm going to blog my process every single day starting tomorrow and by the end of thirty days I am going to be a stronger person. I refuse to accept nothing but change this time.

xoxo

http://www.ted.com/talks/matt_cutts_try_something_new_for_30_days.html